What Not to Say to Someone with Depression

Understanding how to help a loved one with depression—and learning what not to say to someone with depression, in particular—can be challenging. Often times, well-meaning family members and friends can say things that inadvertently make the person feel worse. It's important to recognize that not knowing what to say is not a character flaw or a failing on your part. Depression can be difficult to understand for those who haven't experienced it, and even people with the best intentions can miss the mark. Fortunately, there are many ways to be supportive and show your loved one you care.

Identifying What Not to Say

First, let's explore what not to say to someone with depression. The following are usually said with good intentions, but are not usually helpful to someone dealing with depression:

• "There are other people who have it worse."
• "Just move on" or "Just [insert action here]."
• "Why? What did you do?"
• "What do you have to be depressed about?"
• "Let it go."
• "Cheer up!"
• "It could always be worse."
• "Snap out of it!"

The expressions above deny the pain a person with depression is experiencing, even though that is not the intention. Depression can also deplete a person's energy and motivation, so unsolicited advice like "just do [x]" is not helpful or effective. In addition, some of these well-meant expressions can sound unintentionally accusatory. To the person facing depression, they may sound like criticism—as if someone is questioning their willpower, strength, or character. It's also not supportive to make statements pointing out there are other people who "have it bad." Imagine going through a painful breakup and being told, "Other people are going through breakups, too. You're not the only one." Although it would be true that plenty of other people have broken hearts at any given moment, having that pointed out wouldn't change the pain you would be experiencing.

How to Help a Loved One with Depression

Supporting your loved one goes beyond knowing what not to say. The good news is that there are several options they can explore to treat and manage depression. And you can help them by being part of their support network. The best thing you can do for your loved one who has depression is be there for them. State clearly that you are willing to help them seek treatment, and be present.

Practice Active Listening

Giving our time to people is an act of compassion that can make a real difference. You can offer to be a sounding board for your loved one and say something like this: "If you need to talk, I'm here for you." Show that you're actively listening by empathetic statements like, "I'm sorry you're going through this." You can call to check in on your friend who has depression or offer to visit if they want company. Whatever you do, listen to them. Some people who are depressed want to communicate verbally; others prefer texts, emails, or a card.

Provide Concrete Support

You can also provide support by doing concrete things for them. For instance, you can bring over dinner or help them with groceries. Depression can make easy tasks seem difficult and difficult tasks seem impossible. You can help your friend by doing tasks like helping with household chores or babysitting for them so they have time to see a therapist.

Helping Your Loved One Get Help

Getting help can seem daunting to some people with depression. You can help a loved one with depression by encouraging them to pursue therapy and aiding them in that journey. This can include many things like helping them look up psychiatrists online or accompanying them to therapy appointments.

If you find yourself feeling discouraged, remember that there is hope for your loved one. But finding an effective treatment takes time, so be patient. If your loved one isn't responding to talk therapy or medication, it's important to know that there are other options available, including Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. No matter what your loved one's next step is, every person dealing with depression needs to build a support network that includes their care team (usually a psychiatrist and a therapist) and supportive people in their life. Ultimately, the road to wellness is different for each person facing depression. So even if you feel you're not making a big difference, know that your presence alone can be powerful.